Today I want to talk about certain things I have realized about restarting something. I expect that some of you will relate.
So I’d started working out with a trainer a few months back. I used to go to the trainer quite regularly, and even on the days that I didn’t go, I did the exercises at home. Things were looking up—my health was improving, my flexibility was improving, I was feeling better with my body.
And then there came a pause in the middle. It’s been, I think, a month and a half that even after the pause I haven’t gone back. In fact, they messaged me the other day asking when they could expect me, and I haven’t even replied to that message yet. I ghosted them.
Do I know health is important? Yes.
Do I know that the trainer was helping? Yes.
Do I know that I am doing much worse without going to the trainer? Yes.
Then why am not going to the trainer anymore?
In fact, forget going to the trainer. I have stopped working out at home too.
Why?
My mind went down this trajectory recently. I started exploring within me why I was acting this way. Just telling myself: Health is important is certainly not working. There must be something deeper, perhaps almost hidden, at play here.
The real reason I wasn’t going back
I started thinking about why that was happening. I believe there’s guilt associated with it. Guilt that—oh man—the promise that I had made to the trainer, that I’d be regular, I didn’t keep. All the effort that I had put in has gone to waste. They will see me as a person who’s not serious, who’s not consistent, who doesn’t really care and keeps going back to square one. So there’s guilt and embarrassment, I believe. I would feel embarrassed in front of them for not keeping my word; I would feel guilty because their effort with me has been wasted.
Then I thought, okay, let me leave aside what they think. What about me? Because I actually haven’t been exercising at home either. I’ve gone back to complete square one. So that led me to consider that there’s guilt and embarrassment within me. I don’t even want to face that reality of, “Oh, I didn’t keep the promise I had made to myself yet again; I didn’t continue what I intended to”. And if I start exercising again, I think maybe this is the thinking:
if I do worse than I was doing before (which I most certainly will) then that reality will become even clearer to me: Oh man, I have not been consistent with something so basic and important. What’s wrong with me? That will lead to embarrassment in my own eyes. There’ll be disappointment with regards to “how low I have fallen” in case I restart and I perform poorly. I think my mind’s way out of this mess has been to simply avoid the situation altogether. No workout = no guilt, no embarrassment, no disappointment.
Not restarting has been a way for me to avoid facing my own reality.
The story I tell myself
What’s more. The typical internal dialogue is not about all the things I mentioned above. The story my mind weaves for me is filled with excuses:
- I’m too busy
- I’m too mentally and emotionally exhausted to workout
- I can anyway start tomorrow
There’s a lot of rationalisation and justification going on inside. I don’t want to portray an image even to myself that I’m not doing something for the fear of looking like a failure.
I’ll talk about what I think is the way out. But, I’ll also address how this is relevant for you.
So, how does this relate to the GMAT?
This is mainly for people whose journeys will have breaks, and I believe that’s a significant proportion. Maybe you’ve already had some breaks already, maybe you are in a break right now, maybe you’ll have a break in the future. I believe similar thoughts might be at play in the background associated with restarting something.
P.s. I am sharing something that has been insightful for me. I don’t claim that I know this is the reason why everyone faces difficulty in restarting. There could certainly be multiple other things at play. However, this was a new revelation for me, and I expect it to be relevant for you too.
So, what’s the way out now?
Well, realising all this is what’s at play is step 1. The reason I’m not restarting has got nothing to do with how busy I am, or anything else. It is related to the negative thoughts and image I have subconsciously associated with doing things worse than before – that would mean that I’m a ‘failure’. Failing at something is bad. And I don’t want to be a failure. So, I’ll not even go down that path which will show me how badly I have failed.
1. Mindset
Just by virtue of understanding that I have been a slave to my internal negative thoughts lifts some load. I feel that I can now add a conscious, more positive angle to the mix also.
a. Accept: You might judge yourself if you start making simplistic mistakes that you didn’t used to earlier. That’s just the mind doing what it is conditioned to do.
b. Understand: I understand that the way out is through the struggle. No other way. I’m trying to add some thoughts consciously to the mix in my mind now:
What do you expect? The break will not have any negative impact? Of course it would. This is expected. There’s nothing wrong here.
Moreover, what’s the alternative? I let the break extend even longer. That would make things even more difficult and I’ll struggle even more.
Then the mind thinks: aah screw it! I’m not even gonna go down that path. I don’t care about health!
And that’s where I am wrong. I do care. No matter how much I pretend to myself ‘I don’t care’, let whatever bad can happen, happen. Screw it! I can see that’s a facade—a way to rationalise avoiding restarting. I am not being carefree. I am just being careless.
The more I think about the positive and realist side, I think I feel less burdened by the negative thoughts.
2. Re-establish the habit
If you’ve been in a break, don’t think too much about the best way to start. Start with something easy. Something comfortable. It could be practising some easy GMAT questions from a topic you like. It could be revising some content from a topic you already felt fairly comfortable with. Look for those easy wins. Let this phase continue for a while. Before you start improving in GMAT, you have to make a habit of preparing for GMAT again. Just focus on that initially. Don’t try to do too much too soon. Remember: this phase is just about restarting.
Also, it is about not trying to compensate for the time I have lost. That’s done. I’m gonna start small – with something that almost doesn’t even feel like a workout. I want to give myself time to ease back into it.
3. Remember: There are no missteps
There are no missteps. There is no right/ wrong way to restart. Just keep things simple and easy. And then you can anyway course-correct down the line if needed.
- If you start with practicing questions, but realise that you’ve forgotten the underlying concepts—you can go and revise them.
- If you start with concepts but realise that things are all clear, you can go and practice questions then instead.
Don’t fret too much over the ‘best way to restart’. There isn’t one. Trying to find an ideal way to restart could again be my mind’s way of finding a reason to procrastinate more.
Next steps for me
For me today, it’s not about doing a full, perfect workout. It’s about doing maybe 5 minutes, or maybe a short walk. The goal isn’t to erase the break. I have made mistakes, and there will be consequences. I’m not going to avoid seeing the consequences anymore. My mind will probably judge me. Fine. Let it. At the same time, I’m not going to beat myself up over past mistakes. I’m going to try to avoid making a new one today.